If I Won The Lottery…

Let’s face it, this is a game we have all played at some time or another – usually when buying our ticket during a monster-sized Euromillions rollover. Eighty three million? I could do a lot with that, thank you very much.

The thing is, if I did win that kind of money, what WOULD I do with it? It’s got me to doing some serious thinking and I’ve come to the conclusion that there really is such a thing as too much money. So – and because round numbers make the maths a bit easier – let’s assume I’ve just won £50 million* and have had enough time to get over the shock. What do I do with the money?

There are two things I would do immediately – put the money into the highest interest paying account I can find** and hire some security. The latter is not something people normally think about, but if you don’t you could be facing regular burglaries or worse, ransom demands for kidnapped relatives. An unpleasant thing to think about, but the security is a must.

On a more personal level, I would buy a new house. Ever since I can remember, I’ve wanted to live in a converted church, preferably with its own graveyard. His Lordship isn’t convinced, but I can buy him a quiet little detached lighthouse in the middle of nowhere if that’s what he wants***. So once the debts have been paid and certain privileged friends and relatives have been given their little nest eggs, I can get the accommodation sorted to my satisfaction.

I will probably also buy that castle in Transylvania I’ve been promising myself since God was a boy, but that’s a whole other story in itself.

Then what? I think a nice long holiday before I spend my days studying whatever takes my fancy, doing archery in my own private archery range, writing my memoirs and generally being a lazy cow with too much money. Which is, if truth be told, exactly how it should be.

All I need to do now is win that £50 million…

* For the avoidance of doubt and to be absolutely clear – I haven’t won £50 million. I don’t even do the lottery. Therefore, please don’t send me begging letters because you’ll probably find out you’re richer than me.

** Tax accountants recommend the money goes offshore for tax reasons. However, I believe that since I won the money in the UK I am still liable to pay UK income tax on it. Once I’ve got that bill out of the way, then I can shift it to the Cayman Islands or wherever.

*** He keeps telling me he should have been a lighthouse keeper.

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